well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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