I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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