put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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