Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
