I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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