ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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