I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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