Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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