i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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