shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
