She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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