I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
