Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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