I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
