how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
