I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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