I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
