U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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