take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think my fart just growled at me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
