my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
