A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize