I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
there is glitter all over my balls
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