I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
