I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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