Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Someone came in the potted fern
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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