i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
