The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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