she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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