It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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