where does the pee come out of this thing
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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