My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
