My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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