oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
