I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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