My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
