dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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