I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
