So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
