Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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