toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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