Capitaan dildo arrescate!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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