i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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