Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
