The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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