JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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