I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
