dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
