I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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