apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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