to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
