mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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