Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
