he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
