remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
