omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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