I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
